Sweeney Song Parodies!
by Hannah95
Summary: I am now parodying Sweeney songs! No song is safe... A REAL UPDATE THIS TIME I SWEAR
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue

_**Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.**_

_**Note: Here it is, the revised Why Me. Enjoy. You know you want to. Also, Johanna is **_normal_**, Anthony is **__Italics__**, and Sweeney is **_underlined_**, oh, and Beggar Woman is **_**bold.**

_**Chapter One: Why Me?**_

"I feel you, Johanna…"

"Not him again…anyone but him…"

"I feel you…"

"I thought I'd got a restraining order on this guy…"

"Do they think that walls can hide you?"

"I hope to God they do hide me. That guy has some issues!"

"Even now I'm at your window…"

"Why? Why, God? What have I done?"

"I am in the dark beside you…"

"Am I the only one who thinks he needs to be locked up in the looney bin?"

"Buried sweetly in your yellow hair…"

"Not again! MY HAIR IS BLONDE! BLONDE!"

"Johanna…"

"And yet again…Who gave him my name?"

"And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair, like her?"

"Blonde. Blonde hair here, peoples. How hard is that to grasp? But wait…Who're you? You're not that little creep!"

"I'd want you beautiful and pale, the way I've dreamed you were…"

"OK, who is he and why is he singing about me too?"

"Johanna…"

"HOW DOES EVERY CRAZY IN THIS GODDAMN CITY KNOW MY NAME?"

"Johanna…"

"And there he goes again…Stalker #1…"

"And if you're beautiful and pale…"

"Am I really that pale? Maybe I need more sun…"

"With yellow hair, like wheat?"

"OH COME ON!"

"I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet…"

"I haven't ever met you…nor, at the moment, do I want to…"

"Johanna…"

"Am I on some kind of list? The 'Give The Crazies Her Name' list?"

"I'll steal you, Johanna…"

"Again. I'm scared."

"Goodbye, Johanna…"

"Oh, are you leaving? THANK YOU, GOD!"

"You're gone, and yet you're mine…"

"Drat."

"I'm fine Johanna, I'm fine…"

"Not mentally…"

"Johanna…"

"Can he say anything else?"

"**Smoke! Smoke!"**

"Not another one! And this time it's a woman! Oh, that's just great!"

"**Sign of the devil! Sign of the devil!"**

"Does she always repeat everything twice?"

"**City on fire!"**

"…OK…"

"**Witch! Witch!"**

"And here we are again with the 2x thing…"

"**Smell it, sir! An evil smell!"**

"Um…right…"

"Every night at the vespers bell…"

"What in the name of JoJo the Carpenter is a vesper?"

"Smoke that comes from the mouth of Hell…"

"I've no idea what you're speaking of…"

"City on fire! City on fire!"

"You've lost me…"

"Mischief! Mischief! Mischief…"

"Uh-huh…"

"And if I never hear you voice again…My turtledove, my dear…"

"Is he eavesdropping on me? That's almost-not quite-but almost as creepy as the peephole…"

"I will have reason to rejoice: the way ahead is clear…"

"Is he planning to kidnap me too? Oh, good Lord…"

"Johanna…"

"Why? Why me?"

"I feel you, Johanna…"

"Please keep your sexual fantasies to yourself…"

"And in the darkness when I'm blind, with what I can't forget…"

"O…K…then…."

"It's always morning in my mind, my little lamb, my pet…"

"Do I even know you?"

"Johanna…"

"…"

"You stay, Johanna, the way I've dreamed you are…"

"You've dreamed about me? That's very, very creepy…"

"Oh, look Johanna, a star! A shooting star!"

"Well…that's nice…"

"Buried sweetly in your yellow hair…"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

"There! There!"

"Oh lovely. Her again."

"Somebody, somebody, look up there!"

"I am so lost…"

"Didn't I tell you? Smell that air!"

"Is she on something? Cocaine?"

"City on fire!"

"Crystal meth?"

"Quick, sir! Run and tell!"

"Magic Markers?"

"Warn 'em all of the witch's spell!"

"Sharpies?"

"There it is, there it is, the unholy smell!"

"Dry erasers?"

"Tell it to the Beadle and the police as well! Tell 'em! Tell 'em!"

"Paint?"

"Help! Fiend! City on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief!"

"I've got it! Glue!"

"And though I'll think of you, I guess, until the day I die…"

"WILL IT EVER END?"

"I think I miss you less and less, as every day goes by…"

"So…you'll stop stalking me?"

"Johanna…"

"Again with my name…"

"Johanna…"

"WHY? WHY GOD? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

"And you'd be beautiful and pale, and look to much like her…"

"And another thing! Who's this 'her'?"

"If only angels could prevail, we'd be the way we were…"

"So…you wouldn't be stalking me and I wouldn't know you?"

"Johanna…"

"…"

"I feel you, Johanna…"

"What is it with you and your fantasies?"

"Wake up, Johanna! Another bright red day! We learn, Johanna, to say…Goodbye…"

"Thank God it's over…"

"I'll steal you…"

"WILL IT NEVER END?" Johanna collapsed into a chair, sobbing hysterically. Poor, poor Johanna…

**How do you like it?**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue

**Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.**

**Note: Welcome back. Anthony singing is **_italic, _**Sweeney singing is **underlined, **Anthony talking is bold, and Sweeney talking is **normal.

**Chapter Two: Whoop-de-freaking Do For You**

"I have sailed the world…"

"Whoop-de-freaking do for you, kid."

"From the Dardanelles…"

"What is a Dardanelle?"

"To the mountains of Peru…"

"And this is important because?"

"But there's no place like London!"

"No. No there's not. Because London is a shit-hole."

"No, there's no place like London…""You're kinda spooky…""Mr. Todd?"

"Why do I even talk to him?"

"You are young…life has been kind to you. You will learn…"

"**You give me an eerie sense of foreboding. Oh, well."**

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it…"

"**Rats live in holes…and rats are vermin…so, we're talking about rats?"**

"And it's morals aren't worth what a pig could spit and it goes by the name of London…""You've lost me completely…""At the top of the hole sit a privileged few, making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo…""We have a zoo? OOH, I WANNA GO!""Turning beauty into filth and greed…""Big words…make head…hurt…""I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru…"

"I dunno…Peru was pretty cool…It had a big jail…Hey! I met you in Peru…next to the jail…and the sign that said not to pick up hitchhikers…"

"But there's no place like London!"

"…"

"Is everything alright, Mr. Todd?"

"No it's bloody well not!"

"I beg your indulgence, Anthony. My mind is far from easy. In these once familiar streets I feel shadows everywhere…"

"You talk funny…""There was a barber and his wife…And she was beautiful…""Who are we talking about?""A foolish barber and his wife…she was his reason and his life…""Why are we talking a barber? We were just talking about shadows…and rats…""And she was beautiful…and she was virtuous…and he was – naïve…"

"Sure. OK. Beautiful. Got it."

"There was another man who saw…that she was beautiful…"

"Were the other men blind so that they couldn't see her?"

"A pious vulture of the law…who with a gesture of his claw…Removed the barber from his plate…"

"So a bird…was gonna eat the barber…but he swept him off?"

"Then there was nothing but to wait…and she would fall…so soft, so you, so lost, and oh, so beautiful!"

"OK. I've got it."

"_And the lady, sir? Did she succumb?"_

"How the hell would I know?"

"Oh, that was many years ago…I doubt if anyone would know…"

"OK."

"I'd like to thank you, Anthony. If you hadn't spotted me, I would be lost at sea still."

"Yeah, you're welcome!"

"_Will I see you again?"_

"I don't want to see you again…"

"You might find me, if you like, around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder."

"No foreshadowing at all…"

"_Until then, my friend."_

"Kay. Bye."

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it…"

"That was weird…"

_Review, anyone?_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.

Note: Mrs. Lovett singing will be expressed by this: 'L' if the bold doesn't work. Sweeney will be indicated by an 'S'.

Chapter Three: He's In The Pies!

**L: "A customer!"**

S: "You'd think she'd never seen a man walk through a door…"

**L: "Wait! What's yer rush? What's yer hurry?"**

S: "Um…"

**L: "You gave me such a – fright, I thought you was a ghost!"**

S: "I am kinda pale…maybe I need to tan…"

**L: "Half a minute, can'tcher?"**

S: "Actually, I need to get told my life story and sing a song about my razors, but I've got a second."

**L: "Sit! Sit ye down! Sit!"**

S: "You're kinda pushy…"

**L: "All I meant is that I haven't seen a costumer in weeks!"**

S: "This place smells like dead cat! Oh wait…that's Mrs. Mooney's, never mind!"

**L: "Did you come in for a pie, sir?"**

S: "No, not really…"

L: "Do forgive me if me head's a little vague-"

S: "Are you losing it or something?"

**L: "What was that?"**

S: "That, my dear children, was a cockroach. They inhabit dirty places and make a nasty crunching noise when you smack them with a rolling pin…"

L: "But you'd think we had the plague…"

S: "WHAT?! THE PLAGUE?!"

L: "From the way that people keep avoiding…"

S: "No wonder they avoid it here…"

L: "No you don't!"

S: "Maybe you should get an exterminator…"

L: "Heaven knows I try, sir!"

S: "How hard?"

L: "But there's no one comes in even to inhale-"

S: "Why, do you not have any crack anymore?"

L: "Right you are sir, would you like a drop of ale?"

S: "Yum, alcohol!"

**L: "Mind you, I can't hardly blame them. These are probably the worst pies in London…"**

S: "What was your first guess?"

L: "I know why nobody cares to take them…"

S: "Because they taste like road kill?"

**L: "I should know, I make them."**

S: "Ew. That's why they taste so bad…"

L: "But good?"

S: "No."

**L: "No."**

S: "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

L: "The worst pies in London-"

S: "Obviously. Even the dead cat pie over there tastes better than this!"

L: "Even that's polite. The worst pies in London. If you doubt it, take a bite!"

S: "I just did. I gagged on it. I just threw it up on your floor. Where were you this whole time?"

L: "Is that just disgusting?"

S: "Yes. Yes it is."

**L: "You have to concede it. It's nothing but crusting."**

S: "You mean crusty."

**L: "Here drink this, you'll need it."**

S: "You mean you have Pepto Dismal?"

L: "The worst pies in London!"

S: "I think we've been over this already."

L: "And no wonder with the price of meat what it is-"

S: "I really, really don't care…"

L: "When you get it. Never thought I'd live to see the day-"

S: "Why, were you afraid of getting food poisoning from your own pies? Because that's quite possible."

L: "Men'd think it was a treat finding poor animals wot are dying in the street!"

S: "Yummy…meat pancake from the road!"

**L: "Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop."**

S: "Yes. I know. It's right across from yours, see?"

**L: "Does a business, but I've noticed something weird."**

S: "Your face?"

**L: "Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared."**

S: "Poor Mrs. BoJangles! So that's what happened to her…"

**L: "Have to hand it to her. Wot I calls enterprise, popping pussies into pies."**

S: "They're not that bad, really. Compared to yours, at least…"

L: "Wouldn't do in my shop – Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!"

S: "Well, if you're hungry enough…"

L: "And I'm telling you them pussy cats is quick!"

S: "Your grammer is deteriorating at a rapid pace…"

L: "No denying times is hard, sir. Even harder then the worst pies in London!"

S: "No, the pies are harder. You could bludgeon someone to death with one of these things!"

L: "Only lard and nothing more!"

S: "Ew…I think I'm gonna hurl…"

**L: "Is that just revolting?"**

S: "Duh."

L: "All greasy and gritty. It looks like it's molting and tastes like-"

S: "Even thought this is an R movie, keep it PG!"

L: "Well, pity a woman alone…"

S: "What happened to Mr. Lovett?"

L: "With limited wind…"

S: "He's in the pies, isn't he?"

**L: "And the worst pies in London! Ah sir, times is hard. Times is hard."**

S: "HELP ME!"

Review, maybe? Oh, and the Pepto Bismal thing- Totally stole that from someone, I know. If they hate me forever and tell me to remove it, I will.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.

Note: So, I've done No Place Like London, The Worst Pies In London, Johanna (1st Time), and Johanna (2nd Time) (The 1st Time Johanna is entitled 'Stop Stalking Me!' and can be found under my stories). I'm having intense writer's block, and I need you guys to request the next song to do. This one might suck. It's Poor Things…

Chapter 4: OH THE UNHAPPY ENDING!

Blah blah blah…room over shop…haunted…stuff that happened a long time ago…not very nice…blah blah blah…

L: "There was a barber and his wife…"

S: "I thought I already said that? Like, two songs ago?"

L: "And he was beautiful…"

S: "OK…not creepy at all…"

L: "A proper artist with a knife…"

S: "Um…I feel…uncomfortable…"

L: "But they transported him for life…"

S: "Curse the ever-present 'they'!"

L: "And he was beautiful…"

S: "Are you stalking me?"

Blah blah blah…Benjamin Barker…crime…foolishness…blah blah blah…

L: "He had this wife you see…"

S: (eye twitch) "Lucy! No, I'm not supposed to know that…"

L: "Pretty little thing…silly little nit…"

S: "Are you implying she was stupid? No she wasn't! Wait, yeah she was…"

L: "Had her chance for the moon on a string…"

S: "Am I the only one who wonders what that even means?"

L: "Poor thing. Poor thing."

S: "Suddenly, I get the feeling that this does not have a happy ending…"

L: "There was this Judge, you see…"

S: (eye twitch) "Grr…I do not like where this is going…"

L: "Wanted her like mad…"

S: "I am liking this less and less…"

L: "Every day he'd send her a flower…"

S: "This is significant…how?"

L: "But did she come down from her tower?"

S: "No…"

L: "Sat up there and sobbed by the hour…"

S: "My poor Lucy!" (sob) "Oh wait, you aren't supposed to know that. My bad…"

L: "Poor fool…"

S: (still crying) "But she was my fool!" (sob)

L: "Ah, there was worse yet to come…Poor thing…"

S: "OK, I am starting to hate this song…"

L: "The Beadle calls on her all polite, poor thing, poor thing."

S: "The Judge's bitch? That guy? Peter, isn't that his name?"

L: "The Judge, he tells her, is all contrite…"

S: "Liar!"

L: "He blames himself for her dreadful plight…"

S: "That's because it was ALL HIS FAULT!"

L: "She must come straight to his house tonight! Poor thing! Poor thing!"

S: "Rapid change in tempo! NOOOO! THIS IS NOT GOOD!"

L: "Of course when she gets there, poor thing, poor thing…"

S: "WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?" (Goes into hysterics)

L: "They're having this ball all in masks…"

S: "MASKS? NO!"

L: "There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing…"

S: "OH THE BUILDUP!"

L: "She wanders, tormented, and drinks, poor thing."

S: "OH THE ANTICIPATION!"

L: "The Judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing!"

S: "OH THE FOREBODING!"

L: " "Oh where is Judge Turpin?" she asks. He was there alright, only not so contrite!"

S: "OH THE DARK PROSPECTS!"

L: "She wasn't no match for such craft you see, and everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, you see, so all of them stood there and laughed, you see. Poor soul! Poor thing!"

S: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Blah blah blah…no one…mercy…Benjamin Barker…he's dead…Sweeney Todd…revenge…blah blah blah…

S: "OH THE UNHAPPY ENDING!" (cries)

I love reviews. It would be an unhappy ending if you didn't review, and then Sweeney would cry. You don't want to see him cry more, now do you? I thought not. Oh, and I am so happy! I finished it in a day! Yea!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own me

**Disclaimer: I own me.**

**Note: You don't have to read this one, it just explains why I've been gone so long and…yeah.**

**Chapter: Filler-y Goodness! (Or, Not So Goodness)**

_Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett are sitting in the kitchen, drinking cups of tea._

L: You think maybe we should let her out?

S: Why?

L: Them. (Motions toward the outside of the pie shop, where angry reviewers are gathered, waving torches and pitchforks.)

_Angry poundings can be heard, seemingly coming from the floor._

Voice: LET ME OUT!

L: I think she wants out.

S: Apparently.

V: LET ME OUT NOW!

L: Yeah, I'm letting her out. (Bends over and we can now see a trap door. She opens trap door, and lets out a very irate WrestlingChicka.)

Chicka: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I HAVE REVIEWERS TO THINK ABOUT! THEY'LL BE HUNTING ME DOWN WITH TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS SOON!

S: (Motions towards windows) They already are.

C: Aw, crap.

L: Maybe you'd better explain to them.

On seeing Chicka, the reviewers scream and yell things like, 'Why haven't you updated?' and 'I'm going to kill you!'

C: (Whimpers) Do I have to?

S: YES!

C: (Addressing reviewers) Hi, guys.

Reviewers: Grr.

C: (Hiding behind Sweeney) Yeah, well, see, um…School started two weeks ago…

R: SO?!

C: And…um…I…um…have to practice piano for 20 minutes a day…and I hafta practice my oboe 60 minutes a week…and get in some sax too…

R: SO?!

C: And…um…My brother has football every night from 5:30 to 7:30…and I get home at, like, 3:30…so…

R: SO?!

C: And…um…I might have strep throat…and I'm gonna have early band practice this week Monday, Wednesday…and Friday…

R: YOU HAVE EVENINGS, DON'T YOU?!

C: Um…well…see…RAW's on Monday from 8:00 to 10:00, and ECW's on Tuesday from 9:00 to 10:00…and SmackDown's on Friday from 7:00 to 9:00…and Saturdays my brother has football games…

R: YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR STUPID WRESTLING THAN YOU DO ABOUT US, DON'T YOU?!

C: No, no, no. I'm just having severe writer's block, and with school, and practices, and Literary starts Wednesday…and I'm trying out for IMEA honor choir, so add two 30 minute practices a school week…I'm swamped, OK?

R: NOT AN EXCUSE!

C: And…um…I may have a chapter up before…um…Halloween.

R: HALLOWEEN?!

C: Maybe sooner.

R: SOONER!

C: OK, OK, I'll try for sooner. Please don't kill me!

R: Grr.

C: Um…I love you?

R: Grr.

C: Eep.

**So that's my story. Please don't kill me. Please, I beg of you. Don't kill me… I love you all… **


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me; don't kill me.**

**Note: I UPDATED! HALLELUJAH! **

**Chapter 6: Sweeney Sobs A Lot…**

L: Easy now, hush love, hush.

S: (heavy breathing) CALM DOWN!

L: Don't distress yourself, what's your rush?

S: MY RUSH? MY RUSH? MY RUSH IS TO KILL PETER! Er, BEADLE!

L: Keep your thoughts nice and lush…wait.

S: Nice, eh? Blood is nice…Killing Peter…er, Beadle…is nice…razors are nice…

L: Hush, love, hush. Think it through.

S: (pouts) I already thought about it. And I want to kill the Beadle. And the Judge. And Anthony…Oh, wait, that's not part of the script. Damn. (pouts again)

L: Once it bubbles, then what's to do?

S: Once what bubbles? Am I missing something here?

L: Watch it close. Let it brew. Wait.

S: Let what brew? You're not a witch in this movie, you're a pie maker. A bad pie maker…

L: I've been thinking flowers…maybe daisies…

S: That…was random. And do I look like I want flowers?

L: To brighten up the room. Don't you think some flowers, pretty daisies, might relieve the gloom?

S: No. No, I do not. In fact, they would only die and make it gloomier. Hey, that's a cool idea. Dead daisies…I like it!

L: Ah, wait, love, wait.

Judge…brooding…blah, blah, blah…

L: Slow love, slow. Time's so fast.

S: Not fast enough! I wanna kill him now!

L: Now goes quickly – See; now it's past!

S: I don't get it.

L: Soon will come. Soon will last. Wait.

S: Is it only me, but does half of what comes out of her mouth not make sense?

L: Don't you know…

S: Know what?

L: Silly man…

S: Am not silly! Do I look silly to you? Is killing people silly?

L: Half the fun is to plan the plan.

S: Sure. Half. The other half of the fun is killing people!

L: All good things come to those who can wait…

S: Waiting? I waited a long time to come back home, and what good came to me? Lucy's dead, Johanna's living with a pedophile…How is this good? (realizes what he's said) (begins to sob)

L: Gillyflowers, maybe. Stead of daises…

S: (still sobbing) Why's it matter?

L: I don't know though…what do you think?

S: (still sobbing, begins banging head on the wall) Ow.

**I know, it is short. But 'Wait' is a short song. Therefore, you get another song just one week after this one is posted! How's that for a compromise! Oh, and how many of you didn't think I was gonna update until October? Come on, be honest! I wanna take a poll and see who thought what, so tell me! Be brutally honest! OH, and…Does this mean you'll forgive me?**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Say it with me

**Disclaimer: Say it with me. I don't own anything. Except myself.**

**Note: Some of y'all asked for it, I provided it. So, without further ado, here is…By The Sea**

**Chapter Seven: How About I Just Kill You?**

L: Ooh, Mr. Todd – (kiss)

S: (Is trying to draw away from Mrs. Lovett in disgust; unfortunately, it isn't working.)

L: I'm so happy I could – (kiss)

S: (A terrified expression is dawning on his face. He is still attempting to pull away from Mrs. Lovett's death grip.)

L: Eat you up, I really could!

S: (Horrified look.) Eep.

L: You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd?

S: Molest me?

L: What I dream – If the business stays as good…

S: Why do I get the feeling that I don't want to know?

L: Where I'd really like to go…in a year or so…Don't you want to know?

S: (Softly.) Not particularly. (Louder, in a flat sounding voice.) Of course.

L: Do you really want to know?

S: (Mumbling.) No. (Louder, same voice.) Yes. I do.

L: By the sea, Mr. Todd. That's the life I covet.

S: Why do I not care?

L: By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!

S: More like despise it with the white-hot intensity of one thousand burning suns.

L: You and me, Mr. T.

S: I pity you, foo'.

L: We could be alone…

S: Oh, God, no. (Whimpers in terror.)

L: In a house wot we'd almost own. Down by the sea.

S: Under the sea…under the sea…Whoops. Wrong musical. This one is much more violent. And it has a lot less singing sea creatures. But we do have the wacko with the crazy hair that likes to sing…Oh, yeah. Anything you say.

L: Wouldn't that be smashing?

S: My head against a wall?

L: Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel when it's just you and me and the English Channel.

S: I think I'd rather kill myself.

L: In our cozy retreat, kept all neat and tidy.

S: And by neat and tidy you mean gloomy and depressing, right?

L: We'll have chums over every Friday. By the sea…

S: Chums? What chums? I have no chums, and you're just the crazy pie lady…Much like the muffin man…but not…

L: Don't you love the weather by the sea?

S: Oh, yes, I just love melting in the bloody sun and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes! It's just lovely!

L: We'll grow old together by the seaside, hoo! Hoo! By the beautiful sea!

S: How about I just kill you there, so that I'll grow old and you'll stay forever young? I like that idea…

L: It'll be so quiet that who'll come by it except a seagull? Hoo! Hoo!

S: I really hope you're not saying what I think you're saying…

L: We shouldn't try it, though, till it's legal for two-hoo!

S: I thought so. (Clutches stomach.) I think I'm going to be sick.

L: But a seaside wedding could be devised, me rumpled bedding legitimized.

S: Oh, God. (Turns a violent shade of green, claps a hand over his mouth, and searches wildly for a garbage can, or perhaps a toilet.)

L: Me eyelids'll flutter, I'll turn into butter, the moment I mutter, "I do-hoo!"

S: (Is to busy retching into the picnic basket.)

L: Down by the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea…

S: (Head still in basket, couching.)

L: Bring along your chopper to the seaside, hoo! Hoo! By the beautiful sea!

S: (Sticks head out of basket.) I hate you! (Quickly stuffs head back in the basket, and you can hear him hurling his guts out yet again.)

**Poor Sweeney…I'd be his chum…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I own myself, and my procrastination.**

**Note: Hey, please don't kill me…**

**Chapter: Another Filler!**

The scene opens on a snow-covered London. WrestlingChicka is standing (more like crouching) on top of the Pie Shop. Angry reviewers are throwing snowballs at her. Many of them are hitting their mark. They are also yelling, most of the words garbled profanities.

Chicka: Hey, guys, please stop! Please?

More snowballs are thrown. Suddenly, the roof collapses under the combined weight of Chicka and the snow. Chicka lands with a thump on the floor and immediately gets up to try and barricade the door.

C: Help me, damn it!

Sweeney: Nah, I'm OK over here.

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are safely in the other room. Chicka mumbles under her breath and shoves her weight against the door. No use. The reviewers come tumbling in, many on top of Chicka.

C: Ugh. Get off of me.

Reviewers: Not until you update!

C: Uh, yeah, about that…

R: There is no 'about that'! There is only update and no update! So far, you've been in 'no update' territory!

C: I HAVE EXCUSES!

R: These better be good.

C: They probably aren't, but they may explain a little bit.

Reviewers settle in for a long wait. Chicka begins…

C: Once upon a time…

The scene changes to a school in the boonies of the mid-west. We zoom in to one girl in particular, with blonde hair, pink glasses, who is busily writing in a notebook.

C: There was once a little girl (OK, a teenager) who dreamed of becoming a writer. One day, she got a wonderful idea…

We cut to a classroom in which a boring science lecture is being given. A light bulb appears above the blonde-haired girl. The girl begins writing notes to four of her friends with questions on them.

C: This idea would soon grow to be a 118 written page book, and counting. It would also evolve into a 94 page pre-story…

Show a picture of the girl weighed down with papers.

C: It would also include three other pre-stories, written by the girls that the story is about. So, you see, Chi-I mean, the girl, is bogged down with ideas…

The girl is busily typing away at a computer, her brow furrowed.

C: And then, suddenly, she was enrolled in…golf lessons!

Show the girl almost hitting the other children in the head with her putter.

C: The girl enjoyed golf very much. Then her brother decided to begin wrestling…

Cut to a picture of the girl's brother in a blue singlet, smiling with a second-place conference medal.

C: Her brother had practices two times a week, and then on Sundays, he'd have meets that meant that Chick-I mean, the girl, had to get up at the crack of dawn and spend six hours in a smelly gym…

Show the girl so bored that she's about to either cry or scream or laugh hysterically.

R: GET A MOVE ON IT!

C: OK, OK. So violent… Anyway, this girl was bogged down and-

R: OK, WHAT PART OF 'WE DON'T REALLY CARE, ALL WE WANT IS AN UPDATE' DON'T YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND?

C: The don't care part.

R: _Face palm…_

C: Anyway, your update shall be…um…a Holiday Gift?

R: HOLIDAY GIFT?!

C: It's the best I can promise, OK?!

R: We'll be back…

C: Gulp. OK…

R: We'll be watching…

The reviewers leave.

C: YOU COULD HAVE HELPED, SWEENEY!

**OK, I know those were crappy reasons. But, review. I thought it was a little funny. The story that I spoke of I am actually going to try and get published, so maybe you'll see my name in print. A far-fetched dream, I know, but I can try, can't I? Reviews are appreciated. Can we hit 100??**


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Duh.

Note: And here's…EPIPHANY! This is my all-time favorite song from the movie, and I don't know how well this one turned out… Oh, and the lyrics are bolded, I believe…

Chapter Nine: Someone Forgot His Meds…

**Anthony: Mr. Todd—you have to help me—Mr. Todd, please. Mr. Todd.**

Sweeney: Why do I suddenly have a strong urge to just kill you? Oh, wait: **Out. OUT!**

**Mrs. Lovett: All this shouting and running about—what's happened?**

S: What do you think happened, idiot? Oh: **I had him! His throat was bare beneath my hand--! **

L: OK, this is totally not creepy…

**S: No, I had him! His throat was there, and he'll never come again!**

L: OK, first off: Duh, you had him. Secondly: Duh, he'll never be here again! This place is, like, a hellhole. And thirdly: Did you forget your meds today, or something? Seriously, you NEED TO REMEMBER THOSE. **Easy now, hush, love, hush, I keep telling you— **Why do I even try?

S: UGH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? **When?!**

**L: What's your rush?**

S: MY RUSH? MY RUSH?! **Why did I wait? **_**You**_** told me to wait! Now he'll never come again! **I think I may kill you now, just to get rid of my frustration… oh, wait…can't do that…you're too 'important' to the 'plot line'. Damn it. Maybe I'll just sing my fail-all emo song… **There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.—But not for long…**

L: Oooh, I love it when you sing your emo-y song! Wait…not for long? What-

**S: They all deserve to die!**

L: Whoa…new addition…me no likey where this is going…

S: **Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why…**

L: Please, do…

S: **Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two. There's one staying put in his proper place and the one with his foot in the other one's face—Look at me, Mrs. Lovett, look at you!**

L: OK, I really, really, really hate this conversation. You seriously forgot your meds today, didn't you?

S: **No, we all deserve to die! Even you, Mrs. Lovett, even I!**

L: Eep.

S: **B****ecause the lives of the wicked should be made brief. For the rest of us, death with be a relief. We all deserve to die!**

L: Um…maybe this is a bad time to suggest this, but I think…maybe…just, ya know, maybe…you need counseling. Serious, serious counseling...

S: **And I'll never see Johanna, no, I'll never hug my girl to me—Finished!**

L: Oh…you've totally lost it, haven't you?

_Sweeney begins his hallucination. _

S: **All right! You, sir, how about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Sweeney!**

L: Oh…my…God… What is wrong with you? Oh, wait, now I remember. The whole 'Turpin's gone, emo moment' thing. Gotcha.

S: **You, sir, too, sir, welcome to the grave!**

L: (Singing) Welcome to the black parade…

S:** I will have vengeance! I will have salvation! Who, sir? You, sir? No one in the chair, come on, come on! Sweeney's waiting…**

L: First sign of madness, talking to oneself…

S: **I want you bleeders! You, sir! Anybody! Gentlemen, now don't be shy! Not one man, no nor ten men, nor a hundred can assuage me…I will have you**!

L: Um…good luck with that, I guess…since you're on a long-term vacation to CrazyVille… I reside there permanently, you see…

S: **And I will get him back, even as he gloats. In the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats.**

L: Practice makes perfect…though in this case, practice might not be the best idea…

S: **And my Lucy lies in ashes…**

L: Yeah, about that…

S: **And I'll never see my girl again. But the work waits! I'm alive at last, and I'm full of joy!**

_End hallucination. _

L: Well, that was certainly…interesting…

Reviews are much appreciated. That one sucked, I know… But still, you got your update!


	10. Chapter 10

**Nine songs down, nine or ten to go… PLEASE READ THE END NOTE! IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!**

**Disclaimer: Here it is… The chapter you've all been waiting for… I present you with….**

**A LITTLE PRIEST! This will be confusing; please bare with me…**

**Chapter Ten: A PONY!**

L: **Seems a downright shame…**

S: What does?

L: **Seems an awful waste…**

S: I'm still not following you…

L: **Such a nice plump frame….**

S: Who? Who does?

L: **Wot's-his-name has… had… has…**

S: This is so confusing… I think my head's gonna explode…

L: **Nor it can't be traced…**

S: Are we talking about murdering someone now? Oh, goody! I do love a good murder!

L: **Business needs a lift… Debts to be erased…**

S: No kidding. There's, like, dead stuff rotting in the corners… Ew.

L: **Think of it as thrift, as a gift… If you get my drift…**

S: Ooo, presents! I want a new razor, and a new trunk cuz mine's all bloodstained, and, oh! A new downstairs neighbor cuz this one's kinda nuts and…and… A PONY!

L: **I mean, with the price of meat what it is, when you get it, if you get it –**

S: Ah-ha! We're gonna make people pies! Excellent! Sounds yummy.

L: **Good, you've got it. Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop.**

S: Oh, the Cat Lady? Why're we talking about her? I thought you hated her cuz her pies were better than yours and… I'll shut up now.

L: **Business never better, using only pussy cats and toast.**

S: Mmmm…toast…

L: **Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most. And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste – **

S: Sure, human pies'll taste better than cat pies. Just, ya know, with the human pies and all, you might get mad human disease, but…who cares, right? If it tastes good… **Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion!**

L: Why, thank you! **Well, it does seem a waste…**

S: **Eminently practical and yet appropriate as always. Mrs. Lovett, how I did without you all these years I'll never know!**

L: (Swoons, then quickly is revived) **Think about it. Lots of other gentlemen'll soon be coming for a shave. Won't they?**

S: Well, duh. I'm the bestest ever. **How delectable! Also undetectable.**

L: Yep! No one'll ever know we're grinding up people in our convenient basement/meat sweatshop! **Think of all them pies!**

S: I'd rather not, since your cooking still disgusts me. **How choice! How rare!**

L: We'll be the only shop selling people their friends, siblings, fathers, lovers, and random acquaintances!

S: **For what's the sound of the world out there?**

L: Which sound specifically? There's the nagging wives, and the begging kids, and the begging adults, and the rich people with their jangly money, and…um…that donkey-thing. **What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd, what is that sound?**

S: **Those crunching noises pervading the air?**

L: Ew. Crunching… **Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd, yes, all around –**

S: **It's man devouring man, my dear.**

S and L: **And/Then who are we to deny it in here?**

S: _These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for._

L: Maybe not that desperate… But then again… _Here we are, hot out of the oven._

S: Do I look like I want to die today? I don't wanna eat that…thing… _What is that?_

L: **It's priest. Have a little priest. **

S: Well, if we weren't going to hell before, we certainly are now… **Is it really good? **

L: Why do you even ask? You know what it'll be like… **Sir, it's too good, at least.**

S: Sure… Um, I'll just take your word for it…

L: **Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh. **

S: Ew. Just ew… **Awful lot of fat.**

L: Well, duh. **Only where it sat.**

S: But still… **Haven't you got poet, or something like that?**

L: Picky, picky, picky… **No, you see that trouble with poet is, how do you know it's deceased? Try the priest.**

S: But I want poet…

L: Lawyer's rather nice…

S: Ew…lawyer… Better be expensive cuts… **If it's for a price.**

L: Only the finest. **Order something else, though, to follow, since no one should swallow it twice.**

S: But…but…your cooking sucks… Why would I want to order more? **Anything that's lean.**

L: Do you have to be so picky? Sheesh… **Well, then, if you're British and loyal, you might enjoy Royal Marine.**

S: Of course I'm British. Here my accent?

L: **Anyway, it's clean.**

S: Unlike your hands, sadly…

L: **Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it's been.**

S: **Is that squire on the fire?**

L: Maybe… **Mercy no, sir, look closer, you'll notice it's grocer.**

S: **Looks thicker. More like vicar. **Oh, we're so going to hell…

L: **No, it has to be grocer – it's green.**

S: Ew. Green-ness. Rotten. Ew. **The history of the world, my love –**

L: (Swoons again, and is revived. Again.) **Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives favors…**

S: You scare me… **-Is those below serving those up above…**

L: You scare me… **Everybody shaves, so there should be plenty of flavors…**

S: Like librarian, and beggar, and…um…MONKEY! **How gratifying for once to know-**

S and L: **-That those above will serve those down below!**

S: _What is that?_

L: Well, what's it look like, you idiot? **It's fop. Finest in the shop.**

S: Oh my God, they've killed Raoul! Eh, not a problem…

L: **Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top.**

S: Where do you find a shepherd in London?

L: **And I've just begun.**

S: Ugh. Shoot me.

L: **Here's a politician – so oily it's served with a doily- Have one?**

S: I'd rather not… **Put it on a bun. Well, you never know when it's going to run.**

L: Ha ha… Politician… Run… Get it? Um… I'll stop now… **Try the friar, fried it's drier. **

S: Are we trying to go to hell? Really? All these clergymen… We're so screwed. **No the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy.**

L: **Then actor- It's compactor.**

S: Don't bake our author. She wouldn't like that. **Yes, and always arrives overdone.**

L: Don't insult her like that… She'll not update for a while if you do…

S: **I'll come again when you have Judge on the menu…**

L: Hey, you're the one who has to kill him first.

S: **Have charity towards the world, my pet…**

L: (Swoons. Again. And has to be revived. Again!) **Yes, yes, I know, my love-**

S: **We'll take the customers that we can get.**

L: Why wouldn't we? **High born and low, my love.**

S: Of course. **We'll not discriminate great from small. No we'll serve anyone-Meaning anyone-**

L: **We'll serve anyone-**

S and L: **And to anyone at all!**

**The last few lines needed no comment. I'm serious. I hope that was funny. Yes, I do act. In community theatre and literary. I will update sooner. And you guys get to pick when!**

**Here's how: I'm gonna give you a few lines from a song. Tell me what song it is, and you get to pick when I update. **

**If you are the first to review with the correct answer (meaning it gets to my e-mail inbox first) I'll review-reply and tell you that you get to pick. Whenever I get the PM telling me when you want it, I'll PM you back. Then it will be up on the day you selected.**

**Because I love you all, there will be no more excuses. Here is the line:**

Now here is a riddle to guess if you can,

Who is the monster and who is the man?

**It's from a movie. Because I love movies. Tell me what the song is, and for bonus points, the movie.**

**You have the power!**

**All My Love, Hannah**


End file.
